On Taking Care of Yourself
Waking up with a clear mind and feeling grateful for the day is such a blessing after a couple of struggling/tired days. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and so grateful for a good nights sleep. When you're in the middle of the struggle its so hard to see outside of it and not let it bury deep in you. The past two days reminded me of what a difference my life is now and how to learn to appreciate the cycles of life even more. It reminded me of how much I've overcame and how many days I was just trying to make it by. Today I know the feeling of joy and compassion. I feel so light and full of energy. I feel I can do anything. I feel so blessed and so much more ability to show love and compassion to not just myself, but my family and others.
The past two days were a different story. I was feeling more tired and not able to take on much. We all go through different cycles in our health just like the weather cycles of rainy days and sunny days. The planet needs sun just like it needs the sun and my body needs rest just like it needs to be active. Becoming more aware of my body's cycles has been a process and such a gift. Although I still find myself resisting what I need, I have more often embraced the call to rest or be active.
I was feeling off, annoyed by the small things and uncentered. My desire to fix it came over me as I thought by doing something that needed to be done I would feel better. I began cleaning up the cluttered kitchen and doing the dishes with my husband. The urge didn't go away as I focused on cleaning off the kitchen table and making waffles for breakfast. I still felt it wasn't enough as I swept the floor and moved the toys scattering the floor to another room. I felt a little relief from doing more when I saw the kitchen becoming cleaner. As I sat down to eat I was feeling irritation again, the feeling like something wasn't right.
My daughter, having already had yogurt to eat, didn't want to eat the waffles she wanted to paint at the table. I was feeling more irritated by her wanting me to help her set up her supplies to paint. I told her I would help after I ate and I just wanted to focus on eating. She was getting what she needed herself and then began talking to me and telling me excitedly what she was doing. This time instead of saying a response gently I just YELLED I want some quiet to eat, I can help you later! You know that moment when you feel yourself taken over by emotion and you can sense what's going to happen, but aren't able to stop it. I felt it rising in my body, but I was still trying to do it my way. Well after yelling I knew immediately I needed to to go and calm down alone. I hate that feeling that comes after yelling and seeing the reaction on my daughter's face - hurt confusion and tears. I felt the tension within me wanting to show compassion to her, but unable to get out of my head.
I took my food to eat outside so I could calm down. I felt the resistance and began to allow myself to feel whatever was coming up. I started breathing deeper and looking at the trees, hearing the birds, and feeling the sun on my face. As I felt the tension releasing from my body I began crying and just releasing the build up of emotions. I sat outside until I was feeling more present and not stuck in my head. When I came inside I was able to having a loving connection with my daughter. Now everything wasn't just magically back to normal, this was my call to rest and take more time to relax.
The pressure I had unconsciously put on myself to clean up and get something done in the house was overwhelming and would tear me apart if I didn't take time to relax away from the messes. I chose to lay on my hammock in the backyard and listen to a podcast. I felt the peace of just relaxing and enjoying time in nature. The rest of the day I continued choosing relaxing options and even feel asleep early.
Taking care of yourself is productive.
