Setting Up Conditions for Inevitable Success
This involves taking into account your actual life and the things that come up either on a daily basis or every so often. A lot of the time we make plans for perfect conditions and don’t take into account things that could change or come up - the unexpected or special events or gatherings. Maybe there’s a birthday celebration, dinner with friends or family, an accident, getting sick, vacation, or just running late. All of these can interrupt the day to day flow of life and can be taken into account for us to figure out what is needed from us in different scenarios so we can stay true to who we want to be and what we are working towards.
An example from my life:
Yesterday we dropped off my son for a sleepover and then we planned to drop off bags of clothes to be donated. After dropping off the clothes I checked in with my daughter and husband about what they wanted to do next. My daughter wanted to go to the store to get popsicles or ice cream and my husband mentioned going to a local ice cream shop. We hadn’t had lunch yet so I checked in with myself and I was hungry - ok lets have ice cream for lunch so we decided to go enjoy and go to the ice cream place.
My husband and I got a brownie sundae to share and my daughter got a strawberry ice cream cone. We decided to enjoy the ice cream in our car. I turned sideways in my seat so I could see my family while we enjoyed the ice cream and talked. My husband and I finished what we wanted of the sundae and then the initial thought was it's time to go home. My daughter had another idea, she wanted to play in the back of our van, with the bags of clothes gone there was space to play. She still had some of her ice cream to finish as well. So knowing from previous time there were two choices we could choose to enjoy more time in the car or get frustrated that my daughter wanted something different.
I chose to see what would happen with what my daughter wanted since we didn't have any plans and there was nowhere we needed to be. I’ll admit there was still some initial frustration in what to do, but I wanted to enjoy my day so I wanted to try something different. I sensed the discomfort in my body and I took some deep breaths and embraced the situation. I had to tell myself there’s nowhere else we need to be, there’s no reason to feel anxious about staying in the ice cream shop parking lot longer. My daughter had gone to the back of the car and was hiding behind the middle seats, enjoying herself. Not wanting to get in her seat to go home, she was having fun. I went and got in the back with her and saw the joy on her face of hiding in the back of the car. So we played for a little while, but then I was feeling this itch to leave. I was feeling ready to go back home and so was my husband. Well then came some trying to bargain and nothing worked.
Then I scooped her up and put her in her seat, explaining that it was time to get back home. She started to cry as I started to get her buckled in her car seat. I looked her in her eyes and told her I understood she was upset and I asked her what she needed. At first she was crying too much to think and just was frustrated by the situation. I could tell she was also tired, but I wanted to show her my attention and that I cared about her needs. I continued to comfort her and tell her that it's ok to feel frustrated and that I was here with her. She wanted a book, then threw the book and said she wanted something else. I continued to show compassion and ask her what she wanted and told her its ok for her to cry. She eventually calmed down and got an activity book with stickers that she was excited about and she was fine with us going home. I felt a sense of peace that I could hold my daughter in her discomfort and not be taken over by her emotions.
Now looking back, there have been plenty of times where similar situations turned out a different way and left me feeling off for the rest of the day or feeling guilty for yelling and trying to control the situation and how it was handled. So this time it was a win for me. There’s so many small steps that I have been learning and building up to have this situation to turn out the way it did. Being able to celebrate even the small wins is so important.
Conditions for this success of enjoying the time with my family and having a relaxing day together:
Deciding ice cream could be our lunch and going all in (checking in with what we all needed)
Asking for a cup and spoon for my daughter so when it melted from the cone she could still enjoy the ice cream (remembering past lessons and speaking up for what will help us enjoy)
Not putting a time limit on dealing with emotions and being present for what came up (adjusting expectations around time and how we would spend it)
Holding myself and my family’s needs with compassion
Questions you can ask yourself.
Where do you typically need more support or when do you fall off your plan? Where do the tensions and frustrations exist in your life?
These are the areas that need more attention and if we can look at these and build awareness to what we need and how we act then that can make all the difference. We want to go with the flow of life not against the current. There’s a way to have all the parts of life work together.
How can you become a priority within the context of your lifestyle? What can you do to make it easy to follow through on what you want?
Realizing that by you changing what you focus on and reacting differently it can have an affect on not just you and your perspective but also on those around you
What can you do for yourself and how can you continue to check in with what you need and where you might need to devote more attention.
